DEAR BRIDE

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. When you first told me, I was elated, like it was my very own big day. I pray for you dearest, that your life thereafter, would be as smooth sailing as you desire.
I felt shattered, when you told me that to be on your bridal train, it would cost me N40, 000. I mean,my Salary is just N50,000. Same money I would use to feed, pay my bills and give my parents stipends to support them. If I use all that for a dress of a day's event, how do I breathe, literally?
 Alternatively, I was told to buy a less expensive Asoebi of N30,000. I would hurt, regardless. How do I please you on your special day, and live, still? I tried explaining my predicament to you the best way I could, but you subtly put me in my place. I tried chatting you afterwards, but I realised you blocked my number from Whatsapp, deleted me from Blackberry Messenger, and stopped taking my calls. Do you know I got broken afterwards? We have been there for each other, through thick and thin. We don't need expensive apparels to define our friendship. How do I tell you I miss you, when I can't reach you? Our laughter, our cheer, our words of encouragement to each other? Now our bond has been broken. Over what, an apparel? Really?
I hope to see you smile, as you walk down the aisle, with your beau. I want to be there to hold you, when you accidentally trip from those high  stilettos, as you usually do, lol. I want to be there to wish you well, physically. Don't wanna be a bridesmaid or in your committee of friends. I want to be your friend.

I bleed easily,


Me.

WHEN PERSISTENCE MET RESISITANCE

So I was going to work, the other day. One of the beauties of the public transportation system in Nigeria, as against driving on your own, is that you always have a new experience. Could be the stranger beside you, or the driver of the bus, or the bus conductor, you just never know what to expect. So I boarded the bus from Leventis (Maryland) to Opebi Allen, to work. Normally, it would cost about a hundred naira to get me to work, but I assumed the bus conductor would charge fifty naira, since my stop was only half the journey to Allen. Typically, I get away with paying fifty naira with the "puppy look" (y'all know that look that makes you surrender to the pleadings of the other party sha, lol). But this time, I no know say na mad people I dey deal with. Halfway into the journey, when I was requested to pay my fare, I gave the conductor fifty naira o, and I insisted that it was the only amount from me (big lie from the pit of hell). Omo, the guy threw the money at me o, and actually said I was mad, because at my pick up point, he actually said the right fare amount, but as typical naija sharp babe, I turn deaf o. The bus conductor and the driver kept ranting, but I turned deaf areas. No way was I going to part with an extra fifty naira, it made no sense to me.Already, tension was brewing in the bus. The other passengers on the bus kept pressing me to budge, but lai lai, I no gree o. I kept pressing on, hell bent on sticking to my guns. We got to my stop, and I made moves to come down, again handing him the money. He said I wasn't serious, and pushed me back to the bus. To be honest, I was tempted to give him the money at the stop, but the moment he bypassed it, I kept the extra fifty naira in my pocket. I wasn't looking at the time at the time anymore, but at that time, I cared less if I was late or not. I mean, these guys just woke up the dragon in me. Na so these yeye pple carry me, pass junction, pass salvation, dem come pity me, drop me for Chicken Republic, by the link road (you can imagine the distance from my original stop). Na so I jump out o, amidst cries of " where is your money, dis lady come back pay your money". I jumped down and didn't look back. To these guys, they were successful in ruining my day, but in reality, they got served. Dem no know say na cele dem carry for bus. Na so I waka o, from Opebi link road, to my office in COSON (about 20 mins from where I was stopped). I fumed all through, because I didn't plan the journey, and didn't want to go to work all sweaty. But inwards, I was happy I didn't budge. Not only did I get a little cardio, I ended up paying nothing.(sharp girl, lol). OK, so not the best of illustrations to buttress my core idea and my headline, but point is not to give up, in any given situation, especially when it's a sales call. Your persistence should match your client's resistance, because boy!, they will resist. Have that at the back of your mind and push, and push, till they budge, and trust me, you will be better off for it. That,s how successful sales execs, business men and entrepreneurs are made. Nuff said. Bye

YEAR OLDER, YEAR WISER

Hello world, been a minute. So I was a year older recently. Typically, birthdays are reflection points and that one day that we take stock and re-evaluate our selves, you know, adding new goals, replacing old habits and take over the world......for one day. I didn't do any of that. For me, re-evaluation is a daily core. But I came up with something different, and God willing, I think I am going to stick to this plot. I  am going to be more appreciative of people's assistance to me, appreciate people that truly care, and purge out people that don't. At first I thought it was selfish, reciprocating affection and gratitude, but  don't they say that  you close up your inner circle as you grow older? On a brighter note, I think It would be a positive. It means I'll love harder., be more selfless and put in a lot of work, to be good to the ones that stick their necks out, because sometimes in the bid to please people that don't really care, we fail to appreciate the ones that are worth the hassle. Don't get me wrong, I try to be selfless, the best way I can, but I am a bloody realist (excuse my French), and times and experience have taught me that some people would never appreciate you, even if you took a grenade for them. So here's to living, for me.xxxxxxxxx

CHOOSING YOUR CAREER PATH

Ask a young,recent Nigerian graduate what his next plans are, and his typical response would be “I want a job”, expecting that you wouldn’t fault his reply. It is for this singular reason, that the Nigerian employment market has an influx of frustrated charlatans, that take up job opportunities, without due consideration. In most cases, they become “square pegs in round holes”, because they do not fit into their designated roles. As a result, a typical Nigerian worker is disgruntled and dissatisfied with work. Sadly, there is no end in sight to this trend.

There is a way out, and this is where choosing the right career path comes in. Innate in every individual, are unique skills and abilities that are God-given. Most times, such skills are left untapped and leave us no option, but to settle with the available. There are two ways to choosing your career path:
Choosing a vocation you are passionate about.

Finding purpose and joy in a vocation you are not passionate about.

For the purpose of this article, emphasis would be laid on choosing a vocation you are passionate about. The following tips would be helpful in that regard:

Find your flair: Finding your flair is one of the challenging parts of choosing your career path. Most people feel that they do not have a unique skillset, but the truth is that everyone does. Talking in itself is a skillset, hence the need for a career in journalism. Google, take ability tests read and discover what you love doing the most, no matter how insignificant it is. Career advisors and councellors usually administer tests, to place people in their right paths. Take charge and pay a visit to them, to tow the right line.

 Develop your flair: For example, your innate skills can be baking, sewing, cooking, teaching or running. Developing such skills at the inception, would propel you for greatness in the future. You might not develop an immediate career from it, but you can nurture and make it grow, till it develops into a career.

Start Small- We all expect to earn millions at the first attempt of our career, but there are immense joys in humble beginnings. Have a mindset that things will not go smoothly, in the beginning, but great oaks grow from little acorns. Have a goal plan, so that when you start small, the end result is finishing big.

Stick to your career path: There is that fear that not everyone will agree with your career decision. Your flair, to an outsider may seem a waste, and people you know and love, might question your motives. However, this should not derail you. You have to beat the odds, for one major reason: you love what you do. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you from choosing your career path, because with time, it would become clearer. Develop a thick skin and be hell bent on pursuing your flair, and become so great at what you do, that you prove your antagonists wrong.

Seek Mentorship: Take advice from people that have excelled in your chosen area. It might be people you know, it might be people you don’t. if there are painters, cooks, artistes, teachers or any profession of your choice, seek them, either face to face of any form of connecting medium and connect with them. Ask them how they overcame adversity and became successful and follow their cue.

By learning how to research options, realise your strengths, develop your skills and making a needed change, you can discover the right career path for you,regardless  of the fact that you’re just leaving school, finding opportunities limited in your current position or, like many in this harsh economy, facing unemployment.

THE PERKS OF RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

With the current economic decline presently in the country, most organisations are unwilling to part with their limited resources, unless a dire need arises, regardless of the fact that such exchange would increase yields and business opportunities for them. Potential investors in the Nigerian market have held back their funds to develop the Nigerian economy, partly because they are uncertain about the business environment in the country, and on the other part, they do not have credible information about the viability of the sector they choose to invest in. It would be safe to say that business entailing one time exchange, from a typical business to a client, is quite challenging. Today, most organisations are seeking more than one time transactions with customers. For this reason, there has been a major focus on market-driven organisations, towards developing and sustaining relationships, rather than focusing on aggressive sales and marketing. An emphasis on the former,” involves creating, maintaining and enhancing long-term relationships with customers and corporate organisations, for mutual benefit” (Belch and Belch, 2001).

Without doubt, the current emphasis in many markets is on developing mutually beneficial relationships. Before an organisation releases funds for a particular project, the first consideration would be “what is in it for me?". In most cases, that question might be difficult to answer by an amateur sales rookie, that is only interested in meeting a sales target or earning a commission. It would be answered by a needs identifier and solutions provider, better put, a relationship manager. The purpose of this write up is not to highlight the reasons for relationship management, but its perks. 

Most organisations desire personalized products and services that are tailored to their unique needs and wants. A case in point, an organization would seek an appraisal system that is peculiar to its organisation’s make-up. An individual that has a personal understanding of such organization, through research and analysis, stands a better chance of appealing to the organization, than someone whose interest is to make sales alone. With personalised client relationships, you can learn firsthand what your organization needs, and what needs solution would best suit the growth and development of their businesses, rather than selling just any type of product having taken into cognizance the history, composition, strengths and weaknesses of the organisation.

In addition, you are not just a beneficiary to the immediate satisfaction of the organisation’s need, you are accrued more benefits from the organization. For example, if you are an effective relationship manager providing a need, even where such needs are not immediate, you might be called upon to perform other tasks that could also be beneficial to you. There might be vacancies in the organization that need to be filled. Because of your evident interest in the organisation, you might be considered, or someone you recommend. Many organisations have successfully poached sales and business development executives that have been identified as needs solutions provider. This is because of their consistence over time, in proffering needs solution that have improved their businesses, and they firmly believe that where such sales people are in their payroll systems, such solutions would be replicated directly to the organisation.

Furthermore, you are making long lasting acquaintances and friendships that would last a lifetime. Most sales personnel hardly fraternize with their colleagues, because they are busy building relationships with their clients. In most cases, such clients become acquaintances. They tend to build solid friendships with them that would also open doors for them in their businesses.  Many sales people have married their clients, become best friends and acted as counselors to their clients. As long as boundaries are respected, you should be able to have nice personal and professional relationships with your clients, which is very good for business.

The benefits derived from relationship management cannot be exhausted. Sales and business development departments in organisations are focusing more on relationship management, because studies have shown that strengthening relationships by 5% can increase future profit by as much as 30-90% (Kotler, 2001). It is sufficed to say that relationship management would not only guarantee immediate sales, but would also provide long lasting ties between an organization and its clientele.

ABOUT ME

Dinma Caruso is a graduate of Mass Communication and holds a Master’s Degree in International Human Resources.  In her spare, she loves to read and write, and has a blog. www.dinmacaruso.blogspot.com.

THE UNVERIFIED VERSION

Yagazie, Yagazie nwa….ndi ogo a bia go, our in-laws have come”,Mrs  Adichie exclaimed in ecstasy , as she ran into  the bride’s dressing room, where her only  daughter was being decorated in Uli, by the Umu-Ada of her clan. Akpo town was preparing to join in marriage her children, Yagazie the town’s undisputable paragon of indescribable beauty, and Uchedo, the most eligible divorcee in the town,  and the town was agog with festivities, for the big day. It was unthinkable for anyone that missed out on Uchedo’s first wedding, to miss his second, as there was a guaranteed overflow of food and drinks, and judging by the huge crowd in the Adichie’s compound, the number was thrice the first. Everyone was in high spirits, everyone except Yagazie.

“Achalugo’m”, her mother fondly called” what’s wrong? Why aren’t you cheerful?” she inquired, as she removed a strand of hair, from her first outing apparel,  a creamed-lace boob gown, that was heavily accentuated with red, native coral bead necklaces.  Yagazie had a rather forlorn look on her face.

“Mama, how can I be happy, when Mmesoma is not here. We promised to be there for each other on our big day, and she backs off, all of a sudden. How can I be happy, Nne?  Mmesomma, Yagazie’s best friend of twenty years was evidently absent, as she could not feign her disapproval of her friend’s rushed engagement and marriage to a divorcee, without carrying out due diligence on her intended groom.

“So you choose today of all days, to gloat over a friend that is obviously jealous of your union? Over Mmesomma who has been single since we have known her? You better wipe your face and prepare to meet your husband”.

On an ending note, she walked out of the room, to the disappointment of the eavesdropping set of the women in the room, who listened more to the mother-daughter conversation, than they were decorating.

Maybe mama is right, Yagazie thought, as she looked at the mirror opposite her, in admiration of her transformed "Igba Nkwu” look. Mmesomma always had a penchant for spewing negativity about the men in her life, including Yagazie’s. Okey was too opinionated, Chukwuma was a male chauvinist and Ikenna was a mama’s boy. However, all her comments put together, were not as aggravating as her reservations about Uchedo.

“Yagazie, a divorcee? Do you know what happened to his ex-wife?”

“Mmemme, he filed for divorce. He said she cheated on her. His family corroborated the same story and I am inclined to believe them. Besides, I have carried out my investigations. Uchedo bu ezigbo nwoke.

“I ju go nwunye ya? Have you asked his ex to verify her version? If you claim he’s a good guy, how come she left her marriage, in just three years? A ko kwa na.

“I don’t need to find out anything about his ex, because she would always come to her defence. I trust Uchedo. We have prayed on this, and have consulted our spiritual leaders and councellors.  Uchedo is my destined husband.”

“Bia nne, there’s no such thing as "a destined husband". You better snap out of it. Uchedo has probably bribed his way out of serious probing. You can rule me out of your marriage preparations, and any form of support”.

Those were Mmesoma’s last words, before she stormed out of Yagazie’s house. A month later, the silence between them, was still resounding.

Yagazie was not going to let Mmesomma’s absence spoil her shine. She would marry Uchedo Diobi, and they will live forever, until Mmesomma eventually died of jealousy. As their union was sealed with the exchange of palmwine, she smiled in victory, at her won conquest. Mmesomma can finally be laid to rest.

As she drove to Enugu, with Uchedo, she envisaged what their wedding night would be like, and how she would apply all the read tricks and the unimaginable sex positions suggested by her mother.  However, lying critically in the hospital bed, on her wedding night was not in the plot.  Matter of fact, she did not remember how that night went, but she remembered serving Uchedo an overheated plate of Eba and Egusi, and the counter arguments that ensued, as to why the food was not served warm. This was surprising, because Uchedo had always requested that his food be served piping hot.  Uchedo questioned her for challenging his manhood and talking back at him, and in the fit of anger, gave her a deadly blow on her eye. On her wedding night, Yagazie became a one eyed damsel.

LADY IN WHITE 2 (THE DIARY)

Having being catholic all my life, the concept of the Virgin Mary, paradoxically, always seemed like rocket science to me, likewise the comprehension of her immaculate conception. Granted, she must have been extremely fortunate (most people would call it favoured) to have birthed the world’s greatest celebrity.However, attributing graces and praises  to a particular creature, clad in the same human form as anyone else, prompted me in asking a million unanswered questions. On the contrary, the more I got distracted, the more fascinated I became.

At every routine rosary prayer, my mind would always wander far away to Planet Unknown, jolting back to reality at the nick of time to recite the rosary beads when it was my turn. Luckily, my lack of concentration in prayers was never noticed. On one of such days, I had only wandered halfway when my eyes met the eyes of the Virgin Mary statue, on our mini altar. Like the lady in my dreams, her eyes were hollow, and seemed fixated on my face, so much so that as I swerved, they followed my every move, in a scary manner. Similarly, her lips were as grim as I had seen in my dreams . Thereafter,  I would wake up before prayer time , to catch a glimpse of her, before morning prayers. At first my mother was surprised. I mean, this was the same Ola that she had to baptise literally, to get off bed. What she did not know, was that I was trying by all means, to decipher the message the lady in my dreams was trying to communicate. I would remember my growing years understudying that image in the altar, awaiting her sudden move, even when I knew my first instinct would be to flee as fast I could, if it ever happened. That was 10 years ago. 

In the later years, I assumed an unplanned role as mother and father to Lotachi, as mother passed away a year after I wrote my SSCE and Lotachi had barely finished her common entrance examinations. Months after her death, we were taken away by our favourite aunt, my mother’s younger and only sister, Aunty Ozinna. It was a welcomed development, because we loved our aunt, more than we loved our mother. Aunty always provided succor in the form of goodies, when we had received heavy strokes of the cane by our mother. While we were saddened that we had lost our mother, we were happy to go away  with Aunty. However, I wasn’t so comfortable with her husband, who always gave me a funny eye, whenever he visited. Either his hugs were too tight, or his hands “accidently” touched me in all the wrong places.  Sometimes when I came home from catering classes,(a  pass time before proceeding to the university), Uncle Leye would touch me inappropriately. At first I refused his advances, but one day I decided to take laws into my hands. I don’t know what came over me, but I found myself yearning for Uncle Leye’s touch, and when he touched me, I reciprocated. Sometimes Uncle Leye was taken aback by my dauntless behavior, but he couldn’t care less; he was a dog on heat. So I decided to give him a dose of his medicine.

 On that fateful day, I knew he would be home early. I got home, changed into a very short skirt , and waited for his first errand call, which didn’t take long. As expected, he ogled for a while, before reaching out for my thigh. This time, I did not push his hand away. He drew me closer to him, and I encouraged him likewise, kissing him fully and passionately. Strangely, no thoughts of my sweet aunt and the damage I was doing to her home came to mind, as I had sex with her husband. I was supposed to feel bad. My aunt had shown nothing but love to my sister and I, and treated us as the children she never had. As much as I tried to be remorseful, I was numb. In fact, I couldn’t feel any emotions at all; I was unable to identify and describe emotions in the self, and was unapologetic for any actions I made, regardless of who my actions affected. That was a huge problem. In my dwindling moments, I sought for my lady in white, I couldn’t find her. My aunt and her husband were Protestants so there were no altars, no form of imagery or reminder of my childhood encounter.

I got pregnant. At first I tried to hide it from my aunt and her husband, but I couldn’t for long, because my tummy was fast protruding. So I took an easy route to avoid confrontation; I decided to run away without Lotachi, who saw me leaving, and chose to follow me, even when I lied to her that I had no destination (nosy sister from hell). One day, I left for my catering classes and disappeared from my aunt’s place with Lotachi, never to return. Whatever became of Aunty and her husband, I never knew. It had been well planned. Bella, a friend I had met in the catering class, had arranged with an aunt in Okokomaiko, to house my sister and I, and take me to a nearby quack hospital, for a D and C operation. I was to stay with her while I recuperated from the operation, start another life, possibly learn a trade and save up for school. I knew I was safe, because I knew my aunt would not be caught dead outside the environs of the Island, so I knew she could not find me there. In my induced coma during the abortion operation, I saw her again, still as beautiful and dazzling as I had imagined. The only difference was that her welled tears flowed freely, matter of fact, she was crying in buckets. I couldn’t stand her pain, so I reached out to clean her tears. Only the smack on my hands from one of the nurses in the theatre, reminded me that I was still on earth.  Later, I was told by Lotachi that I screamed “come back my lady, come back. Don’t leave me”. I opened my eyes to Lotachi’s tears. She was only twelve at the time, but I had exposed her to a world she could not comprehend. Don’t get me wrong, she was, and would always be my annoying sister, but I had to protect her. She will always be my baby sister.

 What Bella did not tell me, was that her aunt Mary was a woman of easy virtue and ran a cartel in the neighbourhood, that was under her payroll. To my rudest shock, Lotachi and I were given the  ultimatum of joining her business. She actually preferred Lotachi, who would strike a better business bargain, unlike the “damaged goods” I had to offer (in her words). I objected immediately, and offered myself readily. At 19, I was a full time prostitute, and the proceeds I gathered, were used for the upkeep of Lotachi and I. Repeatedly, Lotachi would beg that we returned to our aunt’s and beg for forgiveness, but I wouldn’t have it. Call it pride or stupidity, but the truth was that I couldn’t put a name to my feelings, but I knew something was not right with me.

I made a lot of money, enough to move out of Aunt Mary’s house and rent my apartment. I had it all, and was very comfortable. I lived for Lotachi’s success and aspiration for greatness, but I wasn’t concerned about my personal development well enough. I wasn’t concerned about school, or getting a better life outside Okokomaiko,but I encouraged Lotachi to be the best in all she did, preaching the gospel of greatness to her, but refusing to acknowledge that I needed the same message myself. Nobody but Lotachi, could relate to my dysfunction in emotional awareness and social detachment. My neighbours thought I was either a snob, or I had a mental problem. In all, Lotachi never questioned my behavior. She loved accepted me ,in good and in bad, the way a sister should. Even the lady in white kept away from me too, but not for so long. She was yet to deliver her message.

One day I was all alone at home. Halfway into napping, I was gasping for air. Someone was trying to prevent me from breathing so bad, I found myself choking and gasping for breath. The more I attempted breathing, the more I was held back. I was in a trance, but I saw a dark hand on a pair of dark gloves strangling me.  I choked and choked, striving with all my might, to call JESUS, but the word didn’t come out. Just when I thought I was going to pass out, the lady in white appeared. She wrestled with the hand over my neck, until I heard a loud noise. Thankfully, I was released from the grip. It was at that moment that I passed out.

I woke up to Lotachi by my bedside in an unknown hospital. I was told that I had full blown AIDS, which had resulted in severe rashes on my groin area and thighs ,and  needed to be placed on antibiotics, although there was no way my life could be saved. I was also told that I had Alexithymia, a mental disorder characterized  by the inability to have any form of emotion, which explained my frequent feelings of dissociation. The end was in sight; I was dying. Sadly, I couldn’t feel a thing. Probably because I hadn’t fully understood the concept of life and death.  But I saw my sister’s love. My baby sister, who had always been a pain in the butt, would become my pillar of strength in my dying days. I reminisced about our growing days, when I vowed to protect her, when father and mother died. I failed her. In tears, she held my hands and promised to stay close to me, threatening to commit suicide, if anything happened to me. As much as I tried, I neither felt her pain, or attempt to soothe her with comforting messages. Didn’t she hear the doctor say I had a few more years to live? 

In the midst of the sadness in the atmosphere, I saw her. My lady, she came through for me one last time, at my least expectation. Her dazzling apparel almost blinded my eyes, but I looked still. As our eyes locked, we let out our tears. This time she held my face, smiled and me and signaled to open my left palm, and dropped a very shiny object in it. Suddenly she vanished, as swiftly as she had appeared, but her messages were crystal clear. I heard her whisper 
“Olanna, you have one more chance to right. You started off wrongly, but you can end it beautifully and tell our story. Tell my story to the world, and tell her she has one more chance to do right. It’s the last chance, before the end. You can do right, my child, you can do right. My apparition to you in the beginning was to averse your death by asthma, when you were little. I came again when you almost died from the abortion you had, and now, when death came knocking. I choose you,to deliver my message. Go forth,my child, I will be with you to the end".

I opened my eyes to a golden rosary, with the words “pray”, inscribed on the crucifix, her message, precise and clear. Indeed, she became my wake up call. She was who I thought she was; THE MARIE. Only then, was I awash with the pain of the mistakes I had made. I looked at my sister, convinced by her unsurprising look that she hadn’t partaken of my glorious experience. I hugged her fiercely, and promised not to leave her. I had just a little time, to make it all right, beginning with going to Aunty’s house to ask for forgiveness and confessed all that  had happened. On the table next to me, side by side my toiletries, I could sight a pen and paper,which was absent earlier. Then I started writing.

MY LADY PAR EXCELLENCE

I have always been asked who my role model is, especially in job interviews,and my answer has always been: none. I honestly thought I was weird for not having someone to look up to. I mean, I have heard of wonderful people that have made good impressions , either in their handiwork or their personal life but it has never occurred to me to emulate any of them.  For me, I have to be able to relate with whoever I was to look up to. It couldn't just be an abstract person I heard or read about;even a heavenly being didn't cut it ( I am a good christian o!....lol). It took me almost a quarter of my lifetime, but I finally found that person,although she doesn't know it (yet,hopefully). She's no other than the amiable Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Esegee). I am yet to meet someone that exudes confidence at its fullest. Chimamanda grew up in Enugu, but her mastery of the cultures she writes about,is out of this world. In Chinua Achebe's words (another literature doyen I respect), :"Adichie came, almost fully made", which implies that she was born a star, she only needed little, almost insignificant touch ups. So confident is she of her personae and her roots, that I was shocked to discover she did not marry an "onye igbo" (who would have thought). She endeared all to the Igbo language and culture, which was feared to be almost extinct. I for one, an Igbo lady born and bred in Lagos, sometimes struggled my identity of self in my current environment, but she made me proud of who I am: an Igbo, smart and confident lady that can conquer the world, once she sets her mind to it. It is an open secret that some of the characters in her books (especially Ifemelu in Americanah) describes her person:a strong woman, who can be tossed, rolled and battered, but not easily broken( a piece of me, story for another day).
I love to write too, so I find her worthy of emulation in that regard. Her write-ups come across to me as chats from one babe making sense to another. That's the way I like to write. Most times, I avoid technical write-ups that can't be comprehended without an OXFORD dictionary,(not just any dictionary o). I like to take a pen and paper, and just run with my ideas, without any word restrictions.That's my Adichie for you. Growing up in the remote of area of Nsukka did not stop her shine. Her life story taught me this valuable lesson: That I can be whoever I want to be, regardless of any circumstance. She lived where I have lived, and identifies with  my challenges as a fellow Nigerian citizen, and has fought to the end, to be one of the finest writers in Africa.I love her.....my Woman Crush Everyday.
Ji Si Ike Ada Be Anyi

MY INTERVIEW EXPERIENCE IN COSON- THE ESSAY THAT SAVED MY LIFE

I got into the COSON building at about 8.30 a.m. As I sat at the reception, I observed the happenings in my environment; the smiling receptionist that offered me tea and coffee, the nervousness of a fellow candidate next to me and the demeanour of the artistes that trouped in to make inquiries (of which none, I knew). Typically, when I attend interviews, I am always attended to almost immediately, but as my allotted interview time passed by, I had to ask the receptionist if the interview panel was informed of my presence. I was told to call my office to inform them that I might take longer to arrive. That prompted my first lesson of the day: Every organisation has its interview ethics, and henceforth ,I had to shift from my mindset of an ideal interview situation, to adapting to the interview situation of any organisation I found myself in. Subsequently, I was given the prospectus and literature of COSON to digest, which I did, alongside familiarising myself with my resume.

On being called upon for my interview, I went straight to the interview room and greeted the three-man panel, before taking my seat. To my rudest shock, I blanked out for about two minutes when I was asked the simplest question of all: the full name of the organisation I was in. The funniest was, I was holding a manual in hand that contained the name of the organisation, and I was staring directly at a placard inscribed with the name. This threw me off balance and questioned my eligibility for the interview amongst  my interviewers. I am usually composed and organised in interviews, but I had to learn the hard way, that there is no such word as over-confidence;every interview requires thorough research and preparatory work. More saddening was the thought that my interviewers would never  know what stuff I was made of. Luckily, I was given another shot, which I took, to the best of my ability. I was told to talk through my personality, to my work experiences and my understanding of the role I was applying for.

I knew that I would be functioning in the capacity of a sales/business development executive, but I needed clarification on the nature of my client base, which I got from the panel. I was also asked to describe a challenging process I faced in the course of handing my job roles in previous organisations, and how such challenges were handled. I told them about a challenging situation in Wapic Insurance Plc, where after two years of aggressively prospecting a potential client for insurance sales business worth I million naira, did not yield results. However, this did not deter me from keeping in touch every now and then. In the end, I was able to get him to patronise my current organisation in providing outsourced HR services to his organisation, worth  10 million naira. I was also told  to describe how I would function in my prospective role in COSON, knowing well that I would meet opposition from organisations that would not heed to my message of seeking permissions from authors of musical works before usage. To this end, I stressed on the importance of a resilient attitude, which is a major characteristic of successful business development executives;the ability to push and pester, until an attitude changes. From previous experiences in selling, I have long realised that it is not enough to stop at one or two approaches. Consistency in stressing a need and value would change the mindset of whoever I was to meet.

I was also told to talk about my direct approaches to achieving my sales objectives. In the course of the interview, I was informed that there have been challenges in clamping down organisations that misuse authors' works because the law hasn't been fully enforced in that regard, so I suggested emotionally appealing to the organisations to consider the damages done to the owners of such musical works, as against forcefully threatening them to seek permission, because a rational approach might not be the most suitable. As there are different people, so are there different characters, hence all must not be dealt in the same vein. By studying  my different target markets, I would be able to know the manner of approaching them to doing the ethical thing, as well as emphasizing this tool as an advantage to their  line of business.

 .........One would wonder why I took time to write on an interview experience that might not concern anyone. I was told to write this two-paged essay,and that landed me an opportunity for the second phase of the interview. this was how I laid it down verbatim. In fact, the chairman of COSON told me he was interested in working with me. To be honest,I cared less whether I got the job or not.  He told me I was a good writer,if I was able to scribble sense within the fifteen-minute time frame I was given. I always wondered why people shed tears of joy in happy moments. In my opinion, it was faux pas. But tears welled up in my eyes. Not because I knew I would be considered for the job, but because I was told to sleep peacefully knowing that I had a gift, although I needed some  tweaking.  As I left the building, I thought I was walking in the clouds. It felt good that I was appreciated. Henceforth, I vowed to write more. Sometimes ago  I applied for a creative workshop organised by Chimamanda Adichie (my all-rounded role model, story for another day). I felt distraught that I wasn't chosen. However,I was gingered to write more, learn more and put in more effort. Dreams never die,.Peace.

MY NAME IS................................

I used to have one funky bobo like that. I  call him Asuquo, my Akwa Ibom Hottie. Asuquo was your Y2K compliant suave. He was eloquent, funny and confident, you know, my dating trio-factor.  So Baebae and I were on one of those romantic nights on Westown Rooftop , Ikeja, during our early dating days  (mehn, those guys do chicken and chips wella), all dreamy eyed  and lovey dovey (ain't no love like new love!). Out of the blues, I  asked him “Asuquo what is the meaning of your name? Asuquo  was 38 at the time. Nna, dude dropped his fork, and stared at me in a way that reminded me of Bishop Imeh, when he wants to act stupid.  He just said “Amaka, do you know I don’t know what my name means? Jesu Oluwa O! So I have been dating a non entity! ( and I don't mean that in a bad way o). Honestly, that was a deal breaker for me, call me paranoid. So he might as well bear “syphilis” or “gonorrhea”, simply because he doesn’t know the meaning. Thereafter, I saw him in a different light.  Like, if you don’t know the meaning of your name, how can you be serious with life? I don even forget say he was still living with his parents at the time (No wonder).  I googled his name later, apparently it means “patience”, in my opinion, an unsuitable name for him.  In my own case, I speak my name in every situation, good or bad. My beautiful names are Chiamaka, Chidinma and Anthonia. Chiamaka and Chidinma mean the same: God is good, while Anthonia means: highly praise worthy. When I am down and out, I always remember that God remains the same good God, regardless of my situation. So I don’t fret about a situation,  more than I can handle and I praise more when I hurt.  Thankfully, it always works.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t particularly angry at my Akwa Ibom hottie because he didn’t know what his name meant, I was more particular about him assuming a identity he knew absolutely nothing about, and not taking responsibility to finding out that his name meant.  As in , he couldn't even google his name. Omo, I take off o, before the bobo go wake up one day, talk say him no know me ( lol, I’m just kidding). But it obviously raised a lot of questions about him.  What does your name mean to you?

So I figured, amidst yarning story story, I could also release a piece of me. its just me yarning, blabbing, letting myself, the best way I can. in my book, there are no rules, just saying it as it is. here's to me.........................................

REVENGE, BEST SERVED COLD HOT- THE CANKER-WORM RELEASE

Jane had always had a crush on Chinonso, but concealed that fact, with painstaking efforts. She resented the attention he showered on Chinenye, and was secretly happy that he cheated on her;in that, breaking previous bonds between them. Regrettably, Chinonso was not attracted to fat ladies, and that was a huge minus for her. At first, she jokingly advised Nenye to have a baby with him, with the consolation that her piety would discourage the thought.Considering a conception had taken place, she was not about to let the opportunity of a rendezvous with him slip away, again.

"Surprise, surprise", Chinonso exclaimed, as he ushered her into his living room. As they embraced, she took in his Burberry cologne  and stayed glued to his body, like a puzzle perfect fit. He moved towards his convenience bar to get drinks, while she wandered through his mini-library, as tidy as she had remembered his cubicle in the university. There was a beautiful contrast between his orange-coloured sofa and the dark brown cushions, a theme, Jane would replicate in her own home. On his centre table, was a framed photo of him and a very pretty lady; probably his latest flame, she assumed. She took a good look at her full figure, clad in a Karen Miller vintage gown, and decided she was pretty in her own right, even if she was no match to the girl in the frame. The die was cast, and it was the right time to strike.
"Chinonso, I knew you slept with Chinenye",She blurted out. The tray containing a bottle of Baron De Valis and two wine glasses fell thunderously from Chinonso's hands, leaving him gasping in shock. Jane, unperturbed  by the mishap, continued. "She is 2 months pregnant, and she intends keeping the baby. Of course she couldn't think of an oblivious and willing party to her plan. My task for you is to prevent her from coming back". If the grounds could open, Chinonso would have disappeared, at that moment. "Jennifer, what do you want?" he interrogated.  She pranced about  the living room and back and eventually sat beside him. As she ran her fingers across his arm, she felt his raw tension. In his confused state, she still wanted to do the things she planned to do. Things that couldn't be spoken or written. She continued "I want a partnership, a business deal. You are going to have sex with me on the regular, in exchange for silence on everything. That is the reason I am here, to discuss our value proposition". Chinonso was dumbfounded, so much so, he didn't notice when she left. On one hand, he was excited at the thought of being the father of Chinenye's child. On the other hand, he was angry at her.  Why wouldn't she come to him willingly? Even if she dropped the bombshell on him, he had a right to deciding if he wanted to tread that route. Chinenye had always made the wrong choice of friends, and he had decried frequently at her tardy choice. At the thought of sleeping with Jane, he gulped down the eighth bottle of Gulder, on the table.



It was a lovely Christmas day, and Nenye was resting on the long sofa on the living room, munching on a piece of chicken and cracking jokes with her mother-in-law.  Who would have thought that the day would come? Their bonding moment was interrupted by Uwem's loud entrance, obviously disturbed by the cheer in the environment. He reached out for the TV remote, just about the same time her hands were stretched, but forcefully snatched it from her hands. Mrs. Ekpo, caught the friction between them and acted immediately.
"Uwem, you have been hostile towards your wife, ever since she got pregnant. I have noticed, but I think it is about time I said my mind. Do you want to lose this baby? Your wife has been complaining about your lack lustre attitude. She should be the one with the mood swings, not you".
Uwem mumbled some incoherent words, as he sat on a close by chair, to watch the match on TV, clearly showing he wasn't interested in continuing the conversation. Immediately, Nenye left for the bathroom. As she wiped the last traces of urine, she chuckled at her mother-in-law's defence.  She was loving every minute of the experience, and vowed to get pregnant more often, so that she would get this princess treatment on the regular.  This part of her life, she watched in some random home video. In her wildest imagination, she never imagined she would end up so low. She was still dissecting her thoughts, when Uwem barged into the bathroom and dragged her out.
"Say it to my face, so that we can stop this pretence. Whose baby is this? We have not had sex in months, Chinenye. Pray tell, whose baby is this? She thought about lying on the spot, as she recounted the events of the past week; Jane's betrayal, Chinonso's confrontation and the call she made to the Olive Hospital Board, she decided to let the cat out of the bag. She stood up to him, faced eye to eye and blurted out, without holding back." You are right, Uwem. This could never be your baby, and you know it. You think you could hide this from me? You held my life down for six years. You kept your dark secret, letting your family insult me when all along, you were the empty one. So yes, Uwem, this is Chinonso's baby. He/she is going to be an Ekpo". She paused to laugh in a loud, hollow tone, as she drew the utility hammer that was resting on the dressing table closer to her, just in case he struck.  However, the reaction she got from him was not in the plot.
"Nenye, you are free to walk away, get the divorce you always wanted. I can deal with raising a child that is not mine, but I can't  continue living  with you, Chinenye". Suddenly, the strength to converse further, failed him. Thereupon,Chinenye was convinced she had got him at the balls." You would live with me. Together, we would raise this child, and subsequent children to come. Either that, or I go out and tell your mother everything. Then, and only then, would I leave". In the heat of the moment, she pushed him violently, with an intention of slamming him onto the hard floor. Luckily, he missed his spot and landed on the soft bed. She looked at him in disdain, at the face she once loved, and continued. "I have reported Dr. Tayo to the hospital board, so you know he is going to jail. You on the other hand, will be confronted with the consequences of your actions, on a daily basis".

Uwem crawled towards her as she headed towards the door,holding her arm  in a manner that could be compared to the  desperate attempt  by  the woman with hemorrhage,as she  touched Jesus' Cloak."Nenye, please I beg you. Let us think of another suitable solution. Please". Nenye looked at Uwem. For a change, it was nice to see Uwem beg, like he depended on her for breath. Seeing him in his weakness, it was apparent that all the love they ever shared, was lost. To  discharge him, an abrupt verdict had to be reached.
"I would let you go, but only I after I have had three children. You will be responsible for their upkeep and sundry, certainly. We will keep up with this marriage facade, till we part, but I am not divorcing you, so you know. I am only agreeing to separation. That way, you don't go marrying someone else. Now if you would excuse me, I need to see to the catering of my guests arriving later today"

All had gone as planned.  She had threatened to reveal the truth to Ebere, Chinonso's betrothed, should he not comply with her proposal of having two more children from him. This was to fulfill her intention of having her children, by one man. Her last port of call, was to inform Kennedy, Jane's husband, that the children he held dear, were for another. Only then, would she seal the lid of her terror bank.

REVENGE, BEST SERVED COLD HOT- CHAIN REACTION

Christmas was around the corner, but unlike previous Christmases , Nenye was anxiously preparing for this one. The day before, she bought ingredients for five different kinds of soups, at the request of her mother in law, and Nenye was looking forward to being spoilt by her.  Ever since she announced her pregnancy, her mother-in-law had metamorphosed, from the overbearing pain she had been, to the doting mother she never had. All she had to do was ask and all household chores were handled, effortlessly. Suddenly the world was her oyster, and because of the child she carried, she could practically do anything she wanted to. as she

Only Uwem seemed to be astir  with her happy state and he did not fail to show  his indifference at her protruding tummy. Earlier, her mother-in-law had gone to see her sister in Rumuola, so she was home in good time to catch a nap, before assisting her in the kitchen with the soups to be prepared, but surprisingly, she met Uwem waiting for her, in the sitting room. Immediately he saw her, he said “Chinenye, I need to talk to you”. She hurriedly dropped off the groceries on the kitchen cabinet, and sat on the largest sofa in the sitting room, unemotionally.

“I am truly happy that you are pregnant, but how possible”, he shook his head, continuously.“How possible? Do miracles happen so suddenly? You mean after five years of childlessness, one wakes up…..pregnant?” she stared blankly, at the face of deceit, the same face she loved, once. “Uwem, yes, yes” she stressed, holding his hands in a firm grip”, yes it happens. Where is your faith?  Don’t be worried for me. I will be fine” she lowered her gaze to meet his. “We will be fine”. 

“Then I suggest we visit Dr. Tayo, together, to run one last test, just to be sure. At that moment,Nenye fought an urge to slap him in the face, but for her sister-in-law’s interjection from the adjacent room, as she made her way to the living room. “Uwem, let Nenye be, she needs all the rest she can get, and you know it’s her first”. As Nenye was led out in style, she turned back to look at her very confused husband. Thankfully, her innocent and meek front, concealed her inner revenge smirk. 

 

 

Nenye looked at the children prancing about the frontage of the Sweet Sensation centre in Trans Amadi Layout. Children are blessings, and she was excited about hers, as she briefly touched her growing tummy, and yearned for the day her kids would prance with the same energy. She was so elated at the thought, that she didn’t hear Dr. Tayo slide in next to her. As usual, he looked the dapper gent, on a white casual shirt, denim, and actual Gucci shoes, not the imitation likes of the social mongers in Port Harcourt. She blurted.
 “Dr. Tayo, my husband and I are coming to see you on Monday. You are going to convince him that I am carrying his baby, and that whatever medication you prescribed to him, worked. Of course he would counter-argue, but you would reassure him that it might have been an error in diagnosis".
Dr.Tayo gasped in shock at the revelation that the pregnancy revelation.
“Chinenye, I can’t do that. I have done enough damage, as it is. What you are asking me to do is impossible. You want me to……………”

“Yes, I want you to lie, Dr. Tayo.” Nenye interrupted, as she stood up to leave. 
She looked around, to confirm that she wasn’t creating a scene, and bent lowly to whisper to his ear.  “You will do as I say, or be prepared to bear the consequences when I tell the Managing Director of Olive Hospital, that their best doctor broke his professional code of ethics, and ruined a home in the process. You don’t want your practicing license revoked, do you? “. She tapped him on the back and walked away.  Almost immediately, Dr. Tayo ran after her.” Nenye, it has been lies after lies.I know I was wrong.” Nenye looked at him in disgust, as the sweat on his cheek, ran though her blouse. He continued. “Don’t correct a wrong with another. Be the better person.”  Unfortunately for him, Nenye’s mind was  made up.” I’ll see you on Monday, Dr. Tayo”.  

 

Grocery shopping was a chore Nenye always looked forward to, partly because such days, she had the luxury of catching up with Jane, her bosom friend and confidant. So strong was their bond, that a one night stand with Chinonso prior to their meet couldn’t break their friendship. After shopping, they usually met up for pizza and Ice-cream and caught up on the latest events.

 “How’s my God Daughter kicking?”, Jane asked, as she stuffed  pizza in her mouth.

“I don’t know why you think I’m having a girl”

“It’s a girl, you have THE glow, same one I had when I was pregnant for Ono. By the way, she says she’s coming over to yours next week”.

Following the pleasantries, was a deafening silence, indicating a switch to an important subject . Nenye broke the silence. 
“Dearest, I can’t thank you enough, for showing me the ropes to experiencing this happy, pregnant feeling. Trust me, suggesting that I sleep with Chinonso, tops all the advice you have ever given”. 
Jane glowered  at Nenye, when she wasn’t looking, but was swift enough to feign rapt concentration on a woman’s troublesome child at the next table, just as Nenye raised her head. 
 “Nenye, we didn’t have a choice, did we?  Uwem’s mother needed to be aware that you were not barren after all”.   
Nenye continued. “I am going to try out with Chinonso, at least two more times, once I drop this one. Menopause is starring me in the face”.

“Oh come on, you are just 30. You have all the time”. She looked again at Nenye, quizzically.
 “Are you resurrecting your feelings for Chinonso, young woman? Once, I agree, but thrice is one too many. You know how you love”.
Nenye, sensing disapproval from Jane, countered.” it’s too late to back down. Need I remind you of the length of time it took you convincing me to damn the world and have children?   I thought the point of suggesting I sleep with Chinonso, was to make it continuous? Anyways, whether or not you agree, I have my mind made up.  Abeg, let’s go”.

As they walked out of the eatery, Jane couldn’t help but stare at this new Nenye. If she didn’t know better, she’d assume her friend of decades, was a total stranger. Who killed Nenye and assumed her body? This was the same Nenye that frowned at adultery,in all shades. Marveling at Nenye’s newly acquired self- confidence, she wondered if she hadn’t given the wrong advice. 

Anyone passing the corridor that led to Dr. Tayo’s office would hardly believe that someone was inside, talk-less   a couple. The Ekpos were seated side by side, but their minds were far apart, with both of them dwelling on the consequences of their actions.  Dr. Tayo came in at the exact moment.  He wished for an eclipse of the moon that would last for a life time; that way, he would have avoided the piercing eyes of the couple, as well as subsequent confrontation. Typically, he cleared his throat.   
“Mr. Ekpo, there is no mistake that the child in your wife’s womb is yours.  I re-examined the test results, from your last visit, and compared it with your most recent results.”
 He brought out the results analysis and distributed to them, each.
"Mr. Ekpo, if you look at the results of the fructose level on both sheets, you would observe an impressive increase. The pomegranate diet you were placed on was able to destroy malondialdehyde in your bloodstream, and increased the fructose in your semen, needed for reproduction. At first, I was unsure, at least not until I consulted with my other colleagues, before I became certain. So congratulations  again.”
 However, Uwem looked unconvinced. At that juncture, he held his wife’s hands.
”So this situation is the norm, or our case is just exceptional?"He asked.   
Dr. Tayo struggled to gather  his words. “Sometimes, it happens.  But you know we shouldn’t be dwelling on this conversation. You both should be out there, baby shopping" he said, as he tried to dismiss the couple and Nenye, who was deliberately  silent all along, led them out.

Needless to say it was all over, Dr. Tayo concluded, as he breathe his first sigh of relief. He didn’t envision that he would be let off so easy. As he took to his seat, he wondered how he was caught up in the crossfire, and how he was ever going to get out of it. As he explored various action plans to subside the inferno, he didn’t notice Uwem come in. This time, there were no further questions. 
 “Tayo, we had a deal. In exchange for protecting my secret, I saved your practice license, and your job.   Now, we both know there is no way I can be a father to that child. If by any chance I discover you have been lying to me,  you would leave me with no choice but to inform the board on how you killed by cousin’s friend, by administering the dose of  Rocephine IV  while you treated his bacterial infection. ”

Eitherways, whether Dr.Tayo was able to convince Uwem of the certainty of the child’s paternity, or he doesn’t, he knew he  was screwed. (To be continued).